The BIGGEST announcements from E3 2014 REVEALED!

In preparation for next weeks E3 2014 – where the gaming world’s finest unbutton’s their trousers to compare the length and girth of their marketing bullet points – I can exclusively reveal some choice announcements due to hit next week. Join me, as I take a look at the nonsense that’ll have us typing furiously into our keyboards over the next seven days.


Brace yourselves.


Activision to release TWO new Call of Duty titles a year.

“Even we have to admit the Call of Duty series is starting to lose some of it’s shine” admitted an Activision representitive during a conversation I had in a hotel bathroom that I’ve just this minute completely fabricated.


“But you have to, you know… SOLDIER ON…” [winks]


“You know how each Call of Duty kinda flip flops between ‘the rubbish one’, one year – and the ‘okay one’ the year after?” Our new strategy means we’ll be able to get both the ‘rubbish’ one, and the ‘okay’ one out in the same year.”


call of duty toilet


“Just imagine – an ‘okay’ Call of Duty, guaranteed, every year! If that doesn’t shake up the gaming landscape, I don’t know what will!”


While I wash my hands at the sink – the Activision representitive finally closes the stall to the lavatory like I politely asked him to ten minutes ago. Behind the closed door, in the middle of worryingly enthusiastic wiping, he drops one more bombshell…


“…but here’s the kicker. Those two games will actually come in pairs – you know, like that monster game from Ninten- whatsit… er… those cute Pokmans?”


“First up we’re leading with Call of Duty: Dogs and then Call of Duty: Cats (that’s a no brainer, right – and you’ll be seeing that baby at the conferences) but then just six months later we’re going to follow up with Call of Duty: Khaki and Call of Duty: Grey.


Just like all the other Call of Duty games we’ve released, they’re largely the same – only there’ll be some gun-toting war guys in one, that you can’t kill in the other.


call of duty khaki


We’ve even got the Marketing hook all planned out! Wait for it… ‘Gotta Kill ’em- …’


I didn’t catch the end of it because I’d already left the bathroom.


To the sound of excessively aggressive flushing.



SEGA announce new third ‘prong’ to their ‘successful’ worldwide strategy.

Like a grizzly bear waking from a decade of sleep, constipated and lethargic – Sega finally cranked up it’s creaky old engine to fax us details of their strategy for the next 50 years.


Yeah, I  KNOW – like who uses a fax any more.


‘Here it is!’ reads the non-existent document. ‘This is the one – this is the one that’s going to really turn things around!’


Line by line the strategy came down the phone-pipe over 36 agonising minutes, before floating down to my office floor like… well… like a piece of paper from a fax machine.


Sega Strategy


“As you can see”, said the letter that followed three days later “we’re sticking with the old two sided strategy of good games coming out in Japan, and then all those Sonic ones coming out in the West.


Only this time, we’re implementing a ‘third pillar’ (well, ‘pole’ really) where we’re going all out to put some effort into localisation – so we can bring some of our much loved series back to Western audiences. First off – lets talk Shenmue 3, eh?


We’re fully localising Shenmue 3, a game’s we’ve actually been sitting on for the last decade, but never released because we thought it would be funny.


This one will be fully voice acted – with no subs.


That’s right – mediocre voice acting only!


In Welsh.


The ancient Celtic language native to Wales (and tiny enclaves of Patagonia). Better yet, we’ll be releasing into the heart of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in just four weeks!






We’ll see how that works out over the next ten years or so, and if it’s a success we’ll consider thinking about maybe bringing it to the US and Europe.


If THAT works, well HOO-YA! – the sky’s the limit! We’ll look to release Phantasy Star Online 2, Valkyria Chronicles 3 and Yakuza 5 as an exclusive in Iran, sometime in 2034.


Happy now?


And before you ask – yes, the Welsh version of Shenmue 3 IS region locked. I mean, I gotta protect my interest’s right?


All my love,

Your Uncle ‘Pops’ Sega



P.S: If you keep threatening to poop on my carpets over Twitter, I’ll have to call the police again.



Square reveal new special edition controller for Final Fantasy XV

“I think what this controller represents”, Square Enix’s CEO definitely didn’t say “is the future focus of the company for the next 24 months.”


We’ve sold a butt-load of those Ef-Ef-Ecks-Eye-Eye-Eyes in the last generation and, what that has taught us, if anything, is people don’t want to fuck around with ‘menus’ and ‘gameplay’ – honestly, guys, COME ON – who needs that shit?!




This controller sums up everything I want from games from now on- ‘accessibility’ and ‘intuitiveness’. That’s why we’ve gone back to the drawing board on Final Fantasy XV since you last saw it. First of all, you’ll notice that you can only move forward – we’ve also stripped the buttons down to one. We call it the ‘Yes/Next’ button.


I think this is a beautifully elegant solution that will really help bring new players to the Final Fantasy experience.


Lastly, taking advantage of the controller, we’ve shaped the gameplay to be just as clean and efficient. You remember that scene in the corridor from last year’s show reel where all the windows are blowing in? That bit is still in the game – only we’ve extended the corridor by 26 hours.




Most people never got to the overworld part of Final Fantasy XIII, or just quit as soon as they got there – you loved the corridors – we get that. And who am I to fly in the face of what fans truly want!


Of course there’s always going to be some people out there that want a big world, exploration, choices – yadda yadda yadda. We call those guys ‘The Whiners’ internally [laughs] – for those guys, we’re going to release a whole new explorable overworld as DLC. It’ll come in at about $49.99. The content is already on the disc for your convenience – we just provide you with the unlock.



Metal Gear Solid: Phantom Pain is only 5 minutes long

“The good news is, that I’ve trimmed back the cutscenes considerably – and of that five minutes, only 4.32 minutes of those are cut-scenes!”


“What was my inspiration?”  Said Hideo Kojima in the dream I had a last night.




“Well a few nights back, I was out on the town with some buddies of mine and bumped into an old girlfriend. We didn’t exactly part on the best of terms way back when – so there was a lot of pent up aggression towards one another, y’know.


We talked for a few minutes in the bar, things got a little heated and the next thing I know she got right up in my face.


Then in an instant she just launched herself at me – in a good way. We started kissing, but all angrily, she kept biting me – and knocked my glasses clean of my face and into my mojito!


Next thing I know I’m ‘back in familiar territory’ if you know what I mean. In the women’s toilet – of all places. You should have seen the look on the cleaner’s face when she caught sight of my Limited Edition Raiden briefs! [laughs]


Anyway, 28 seconds of aggressive, adrenaline fueled and explosive intercourse later, we were back in the bar, as if nothing had happened.


We  parted company with a wink and a smile, and I walked home in the rain. As my leather trousers squeaked with every stride home, I thought to myself – how much enjoyment did I get from those 28 seconds?




A LOT – let me tell you. I enjoyed those 28 seconds so much that, with my salary, prospects and fame – I reckon I could probably do that again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again… 




Oh boy, YOU BET I COULD! [slaps thigh]


That, my friends – THAT is my inspiration for Phantom Pain!”


And just then, I woke up with a colossal hangover and no memory of what had happened the night before, other than the taste of cheap cigars and irrepressible feelings of shame and guilt… : (


But that’s how it always ends.

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