Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks – and she absolutely LOVED good hospitality. Back in the day, she used to roll like a skank – breaking into to other people’s houses and criticising their furniture. But then she gave all that up after she nearly got her face mauled off by a bunch of bears. Now she was 100% legit.
And that meant spending actual money on stuff she really liked. Way back, when she would burst into peoples houses, chew on their food and break their stuff, she got a real taste for fine living – and there was one Hotelier in town that particularly met her high standards.
It was run by ‘Big Daddy Bear’s Proper Comfy Bed & Breakfasts’ and their food, service and home comforts were exquisite. You could say, they were ‘just right’ – and Goldilocks would visit them time and time again.
She was a loyal, paying customer.
One year, she was invited to visit her favourite hotel – for it had undergone refurbishment and promised a more decadent experience. Something very special, it was promised, was in store for her – and she could not have been more excited!
Now it may surprise you to learn that Goldilocks did so enjoy the company of a Gentleman Escort. There is no shame in this of course. She’s a modern woman, and she knows both what she likes – and how she likes it.
The hotel could always be relied upon to supply her with a man of quite exceptional talent, who’s sensual wisdom knew no bounds. She demanded a bedroom gymnast with the ability to deliver a toe-curling climax that could melt chocolate at 50 paces – that few fairytale heroines would ever experience!
On this particular evening however, Pappa Bear’s choice of escort was a particularly repugnant and gnomeish creature who’s stamina and pacing was dreadful. His storytelling (for she did so enjoy to roleplay!) was pitiful and wholly unconvincing and, it must be said, who’s longevity was sorely lacking.
Goldilocks felt at once angered and short changed. After expelling the cretinous little gimp from her bedchamber, all she sought was the simple pleasure of a sound nights sleep – for Big Daddy Bear (if nothing else!) could always be relied upon to deliver that!
WISH UPON A STAR
But on resting her weary head upon the pillow, she found it lumpy – and worse! – carrying an unusual odor.
This was upsetting. She was really looking forward to finishing the dream she’d been having for the last two nights – where she was the commander of a faster-than-light Space Bear – bring peace, porridge and smokin’ hot lesbian action to the whole galaxy!
But the bed was so damn uncomfortable, and the sheets so synthetic, that it made her all hot and clammy. It was horrible, and it warped and twisted her dreams in such a way that she could not control it. She could not channel her imaginings in such a way as would please her.
She awoke with a start – only to find the three hotelier bears looming over her, like three giant hairy monoliths – their teeth glinting in the moonlight!
What in the Mother of Tingle – do you creeps think you’re DOING in in here?!’ She screamed, taking care to hide the gentle curvature of her bosom from those hungry mammalian eyes!
‘We’re here to deliver an epic conclusion to your dream!’ they cooed in unison.
‘We’re going to give you a choice of three endings – and not only will they make no sense, but they’ll be total garbage!‘
And with that all three bares roared with laughter! Oh, the audacity! And bits of spittle and decaying salmon sprayed down onto Goldilocks’ face and nightdress!
Suddenly, she awoke through the stress of it – and was at once relieved that it had just been a dream after all – the nylon sheets sticking to her clammy thighs like a packet of crisps on naked tramp’s buttock!
Surely her stay here could not be any more disastrous!
When she came down for breakfast in the morning, she expected her not-too-hot, not-too-cold but just-right porridge to be gently steaming at her favourite place setting, on her favourite table. But it wasn’t there!
She knocked on the kitchen door to see if Big Daddy Bear had accidentally forgotten – only he was nowhere to be seen!
Instead she found Little Baby Bear raising and lowering his tiny hairy testicles up and down, in and out, of the last bowl of her favourite porridge.
‘Oh, I’m sorry’ said Little Bear. ‘I hope you don’t mind – but this is how we make it now, didn’t you know?!’
‘But I’m not sure I want your hairy little genitals in my porridge?! cried Golidlocks
‘I like my porridge salty, and from here, it’s obvious you’ve dipped your testicles in honey!’
‘Chillax, bitch’ said Little Baby Bear – ‘it’s going to taste just fine. Just sit your ass back in the dining hall and take what I serve you!’
Goldilocks was unimpressed.
Other than on GameFAQS, she had never been spoken to in such a way! This family of Bears, who she had so long respected, obviously couldn’t give two shits what she thought of their service!
How DARE they!
For it was her money, and HER MONEY ALONE which supported their despicable furry hides!
She would show them alright! SHE WOULD SHOW THEM!
And with that, she shook her fists to the ceiling of the breakfast room. Tears streaming down her contorted face.
Meanwhile her fellow diners averted their eyes and wondered whether or not she might have some kind of learning difficulty…
PAY AS YOU GO
When it was time to check out, Goldilocks slammed her money down on the counter indignantly and vowed never to return to this filthy hole that she would always love so dearly.
Which was a good job really, as her final act of defiance was to make a ‘surprise deposit’ in every teapot and cup she could find in the hotel. She would not be back, and she would make sure no one else ever came back too!
To her surprise however, as she opened up the front door, she found the queue outside to be in the thousands, and stretching all the way around the corner and continuing down the road to next village. Hordes of people who simply could not wait to come and stay!
Utterly disgusted in the idiocy of humanity she skipped merrily down the line, telling each and every member of the queue that they were all ‘fucking clueless imbeciles’ who had ‘no taste’.
And she might have had a point – only nobody really liked her anyway, and so couldn’t be bothered to listen to all her pointless whining…
ILJG runs the I Love Japanese Games Facebook Page.
His views are not those held by Rice Digital or it’s partners.
- Kandagawa Jet Girls gameplay featuring Senran Kagura DLC - January 16, 2020
- Japanese politicians look to limit videogame play time for kids - January 13, 2020
- PS4 owners are the biggest perverts – and other things we learned from the latest Porn Hub Stats - January 10, 2020