Gaming’s hottest couples! Mass Effect wheeled out for another look at its plastic sex-scenes. A recap of gaming history’s well worn romances. If there’s one thing I can’t bloody stand it’s the predictable onslaught of games media features we’re treated to in this, the most ‘romantic’ of seasons.
So in the very spirit of that word ‘feature’ – I’m giving you ‘Gaming’s Secret Sex Lives’. Join me as I ‘explore’ the most unlikely romantic pairings. Animal-on-animal sex-murder, three-way mansomes, Toad on Witch action? Whatever takes your fancy – we’ve got it! All illustrated in the style of the back of my school chemistry exercise book circa 1996.
SLIPPY TOAD AND BAYONETTA
Now, it may come as some surprise,
to learn that Bayonetta eyes…
…the dumbest space-frog in the land
as suitable for a one night stand.
But, inside ol’ Slippy’s spacesuit hangs…
…a most extraodinary amphibian wang!
Combined with well-timed bottom smacks,
it guarantees a trembling climax!
Bayonetta lusts for Slippy’s girth.
‘Come at me Toad for all you’re worth!’
Then nine months later, so we’re told –
out from her mimsy, tadpoles flowed.
BRIDGET AND JIN (AND POSSIBLY RAGNA)
Cruising town atop his Ice Car
Jin pulls up outside a wine bar.
For tonight he’s dating new-love Bridgett –
a yo-yo-swinging Christian midget.
Jin whispers, as the champagne flows,
‘Come back to mine… remove those clothes’
‘But Jin…’ says Bridgett you need to kno…-
‘Shush!’ Jin chides, ‘lets get you home’.
There, in the bedroom, to his surprise –
beneath ‘her’ skirt a PENIS hides!
‘Who cares!’ he laughs and pops viagra…
‘…let’s invite my brother, Ragna!’
MR RESETTI AND TAILS THE FOX
for when you incorrectly save.
We’ll tell you of a fox and mole,
bi-curious about each other’s holes.
The pair were at it night and day –
between love-making, games they played.
JRPGs and fighters mostly
The curtains drawn, their skin turned ghostly.
Then one fateful night of grinding,
Miles Prowers cries were simply frightning!
His tail caught on a power cable.
Resetti snapped and flipped a table!
‘Clannad’ he barked. ‘My visual novel!
Incensed, he reached down for his shovel.
Tails gasped! (It was his final breath)
as Resetti bludgeoned him to death.
PARAPPA THE RAPPA AND CHUN-LI
Parrappa’s new sensei, was not so kind.
Her teachings harsh, her legs were beefy!
This dirty dog had thoughts so sleazy.
Hiding in the changing room,
he watched Chun-li remove her costume!
Her athletic build! Her breasts, so fine!
The filthy pup began to whine –
‘Lemme get some rhythm action!’
‘My doggy style brings satisfaction!’
‘Okay’ she winked, her man bewitched
She crushed him like a little bitch.
MARIO AND DAISY
See, the thing you all don’t know ’bout Mazza
is he used to cruise Delphino plaza.
His bushy ‘tache would attract the ladies
he enjoyed handjobs in his new Mercedes.
Sequels? Party? Tennis? Smash?
Those games made him a ton of cash.
But now he’s settling down with Princess
Not Peach, mind you – LUIGI’S MISSUS!
Who needs cakes and pink and dresses
when you have Daisy’s shorts to prime the senses!
In public she might be shy and perky…
…but in private she is FUCKING DIRTY!
PROFESSOR OAK AND ASH KETCHUM’S MUM
When Ash returned from Pewter City
his welcome home was kinda shitty.
He called to mum – but heard no answer,
Then climbed the stairs to stifled laughter,
A disgarded lab coat, his mother’s bra,
boxers, panties… his door ajar…
And there (butt-naked) upon his bed
His mum and mentor – their faces red!
His mother sits astride Professor
gyrating hard, she moans with pleasure,
and in the corner? His Pikachu… is
FAPPING HARD and FISTING MEW?!
I think we’re done here.
Thanks to Sniper Kitty for the pictures – I apologise for what must have come across as a pretty odd request! ^_^
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