Her ‘name’ is Regina or Picturresque, or… I don’t know – not sure what her real name is. Anyway, the point is, she’s done all of the Sailor Moon Make Up on herself and it is AMAZING. I didn’t think seeing all of the Sailor Moon Make Up would be a thing I’m particularly impressed by, having only worn make up four times in my entire life, but turns out I really am impressed. Impressed enough to make this post anyway.
So Sailor Moon make up. By that I mean, one girl who has made her self look like ALL OF THE SAILOR MOONS, but only by using make up. This isn’t cosplay, people, this is faceplay.
Brace yourself now, because I’m about to show you, like LOADS of faces, all in a row – and frankly, it’s kind of intimidating. It is, for want of a better phrase, a high-intensity face parade.
Classic Sailor Moon. The default Sailor Moon. The Sailor Moon you go to when you just don’t know which Sailor Moon you want to be.
I’ve never been a Sailor Mercury fan, but Off The Shoulder Mercury is currently making me reassess all previous Sailor Moon choices.
Sailor Mars. For some the embodiment of Fire and Passion. To me, ‘grumpy’ but with a side-serving of alluring mystery, that only a Catholic education can bring to the table.
Sailor Jupiter. Always Jupiter. If you can put aside for one moment the vulgarity of me scrolling through women like a catalogue and choosing my favourite – she’s my favourite.
Did you know Sailor Venus is anemic? Turns out she can’t generate those red blood cells fast enough which is, I am reliably informed, one of the most common blood disorders. Symptoms include turning pale, sudden onset of tiredness and vague confusion – which is basically how most of my first online dates end.
There is literally nothing I can say about Sailor Uranus which is going to paint me in a positive light. I could barely operate the Snipping Tool without my stifled giggling, shaking my mouse hand. I wish it wasn’t the case. I wish I could say I’m old enough to know better – to keep it together and show some semblance of maturity – but I just can’t.
Of all the Sailor Moon girls, you’d think Sailor Neptune would be the most qualified to have the prefix ‘Sailor’ – she is, after all, Soldier of the Ocean, or some such. Thing is, and I’m going out on on a limb here to suggest that, actually, these girls really aren’t Sailors at all.
I mean, Girls – DO YOU EVEN BOAT?!
I don’t want to call you all out as FRAUDS or anything, but those delicate slender fingers are a far cry from the firm, chaffing grip of a trawlerman’s callused hands…
er… or so I’m told.
Jesus, Sailor Pluto – look, I’m sorry, things got kinda hectic at work and then my boss asked me to go and meet a client for a drink, and then after the third beer, I was like – oh my God, Pluto’s folks are coming round and I was supposed to pick up the wine on the way home and put the Salmon in the oven while you got ready…
Shit, I’m so sorry – it just slipped my mind. Are your parents okay? I guess they just went home, huh? Maybe I’ll call and apologis-
Nope, no, sure, I understand… yes, I’ve probably done enough damage…
Yeah… I guess, look I’ll head home okay? Maybe…
Maybe I’ll call you in the morning? Sorry.
Saturn. Look, it’s really not like that. Seriously. Me and her go way back – we were friends from Primary School, I’ve known her for almost twenty years.
Well, yes, there was that time when we met up after we graduated… I only told you that because I wanted to be up-front and honest. And anyway, it didn’t work out for just that reason. We’re like brother and sister. It’s just not ‘a thing.’ At all. So please, don’t be jealou-
My phone? What message? You’re going though my messages now?! Really, Saturn? That’s… kind of not cool.
Look, I’m sure she did’t mean ‘you’re a Psycho’ like a ‘PSYCHO’ psycho – she’s was just messing around. Look, please don’t look at me like that…
Black Lady is kind of a fitting way to end. Scrolling though face, after face, after face of the same pouting woman turned out to be mentally exhausting.
I didn’t think it would be like this. I though it would be like a cute Sailor Moon thing, but it’s ended up being a roller-coaster of emotion. From alluring promise, to failure and disappointment – the rich tapestry of doomed relationships in just five downward scrolls of a mouse wheel.
‘Make-up artists Sailor Moon make up – is both amazing (and scary)’ – whichever you prefer really.
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