If there’s one thing I can’t bloody stand it’s Halloween. Honestly, If I see one more pumpkin with it’s innards pouring out of it’s mouth by way of resembling vomit – I’m liable to walk out into the street and strangle the first dog I see. A bit like Kevin Spacey in the beginning of House of Cards – before he got his vasaline-smothered robot-face for WarShooter 8: Bouncy Mc Gunlegs.
One thing I DO like about Halloween though, is attractive girls in cosplay. Sexy Halloween Cosplays.
Sometimes I close my eyes real tight and imagine what it would be like to go on a real life date with one of these delectable videogame beauties! So join me! Join me you disgusting, godless heathens, as we potentially objectify women for our own sexist amusement – and laugh, laugh at the horrible sociological damage we’re doing, not just to ourselves – but all of womankind!
Or, er… watch me humiliate myself with rude, and really very immature rhymes about girls from videogames.
JUNKO – DANGANRONPA
Our eyes, they met, across the classroom –
in double maths I dug her costume.
Her heaving bosom, tight ‘neath her sweater
her arm outstretched, she took my letter!
‘After school, lets catch a movie!
Maybe… make out? Do you like Sushi?’
But Juko clearly isn’t happy.
The look she gives is kinda nasty.
But then she winks and smiles a little –
and on my letter begins to scribble;
‘After school lets share a burger
Then back to yours… WHERE YOU’LL GET MURDERED!‘
JULIET – LOLLIPOP CHAINSAW
Do you wonder why I went with this one –
when I don’t much like the game she comes from?
It’s Suda 51’s most boring title
An action game that’s hardly vital.
One of videogaming’s anomalies,
I’m kind done with hordes of zombies.
Truth be told, this one is kinda sneaky…
…I only posted ’cause I fancy Beethy.
JILL VALENTINE – RESIDENT EVIL
Miss Valentine – my dear-sweet Jill
Your extra inventory slots are brill!
You’ve always set my heart a-throbbing,
you saucy Mistress of Unlocking.
But coming home one night, you’d cheated!
My broken heart was left in pieces.
Our relationship, irreparably damaged,
when I find you – between your partners – sandwiched.
RACHEL ALUCARD – BLAZBLUE
A Vampire-girl and delicate flower
With MENTAL inter-dimensional powers
If you peek beneath her petticoat
Her lupine butler’ll rip out your throat.
But you shouldn’t touch for a better reason –
when you’re hot for lolis you’ll go to prison!
If you lust for childish looks, you weirdo –
you very well might be a pedo.
KAINE – NIER
I imagine Kaine and I are lovers,
I bring her home to meet my mother.
But her filthy mouth just leaves me numb,
‘Fuck off you bitch!’ she screams at mum.
Throws tea and jam all up the walls
then grabs my father by the balls!
And lifts her skirt, her eyes closed tight
to reveal she’s an hermaphrodite!
I-NO – GUILTY GEAR
In my dreams – a date with I-No!
We get shit-faced like a pair of winos!
Between her leathers, her cleavage sweaty.
Off come my pants! My body’s ready!
But no pleasure comes from this guitar-witch –
She grabs my ass like a demonic hell-bitch
From up her skirt, comes a 12 inch plectrum –
that she rams, with force, inside my rectum.
BIRDO – SUPER MARIO BROTHERS 2
I had a nightmare once, so VERY WRONG
Where me and Birdo got it ON
She spat out eggs, her skin like rubber –
she lubed me up with peanut butter!
She chained me to the bathroom sink
And spanked me raw – my cheeks were pink!
I say this now with some regret…
when I awoke, I’d soiled myself…
SHADOWS – PERSONA 4
A rainy midnight, on this Halloween,
I felt a bulging in my jeans
The TV on – I wanted ‘lewd’
What I got was ‘completely screwed’
A spiraling psychdelic wonder
that made my stomach heave and chunder.
And at the end a world of hurt –
for this disgusting little pervert.
If you’re after something a little bit sexy – and kind of Halloween-ey – you could do alot worse that Akiba’s Trip which is out now.
I recommend the Vita version – you can pick it up from Rice Digital for just £27.99 RIGHT HERE!
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