So, according to a recent survey in the UK 1 in 5 people would have sex with a robot. Brits like sexy robots. I’m okay with that. I live in the UK, and I’m totally down with sexy robots. In fact, I like sexy robots so much – I’m going to tell you which sexy robots I’d like to have sexy robot sex with. Man, this SEO crap is really exhausting…
Can google analytics hear you better if you shout in all caps?
Okay, so where was I, oh yes… sexy robots… (enough! -Ed)
Over the last year, some people have pointed out that I post a little too much sexy stuff – and it’s all very female orientated. There’s a good reason for that (I am a heterosexual male) but I’m not above criticism! So, in the interest of equality I have added some man-bots in here too. After criticising Nintendo for not including gay marriage in Tomodachi Life, it’s the least I could do.
Okay, so…. here we go! *unfastens smoking jacket and lights pipe*
ALISA BOSCONOVICH – TEKKEN
Despite the fact that I believe all Tekken players to have been last in the queue when The Almighty was handing out the brain candy – I will hold my hands up and admit I’m totally in love with Tekken’s robo-fairy lady.
Anyone who’s official nationality is ‘special’ has to be worthy of, er… closer investigation. Having massive robot wings would make the act itself a little awkward though, as I have the gymnastic prowess and upper body strength of Jabba the Hutt. – and her wing thrusters are going to wreak havoc with my polyester Hello Kitty duvet cover and also pose a significant fire hazard.
Worth the risk though! She’s totally got daises in her lovely pink hair (and I suspects she smells really nice)- which makes her ultra-feminine!
MEI FANG – ARCANA HEART 3
I’ll let you in on a little secret – I’ve been resting myself on Mei Fang’s breasts, daily, for well over a year now – thanks to being the proud owner of one of these. It’s actually the third one I’ve owned… the first one leaked really badly, the second? Well…. you don’t want to hear about that one.
I kinda feel obliged to have sex with Mei Fang now. Any kung-fu robot who’s massaged my RSI between her enormous breasts every single day, while I compile the never ending torrent of spreadsheets and powerpoint presentations for work – deserves something for months of uncomplaining service.
And what better way to reward her that with three glorious minutes of unsatisfactory intercour- … no wait, lets be realistic… TWO minutes of unsatisfactory intercourse.
CLAPTRAP – BORDERLANDS
Oh Christ – how am I possibly going to justify having hypothetical sex with Claptrap. I was thinking about making a joke about Sir Paul McCartney having famously ‘enjoyed’ coitus with offensive Olympic witch, Heather Mills and suggesting that there was some parallel there on account of Claptrap only having one wheel – which would be neither funny or clever, and in fact, somewhat shameful.
All I’m left with joke-wise is something about it being ‘a bit dirty’, enjoying dub-step and expanding the size of my backpack once I’d brought his friends round… none of which I’m able to muster the enthusiasm to bring to fruition.
No one, in their right mind, would even entertain the thought of shacking up with Claptrap – unless it was as some kind of trophy conquest.
He’s pretty well known in videogame robot circles – you could even say he’s some kind of robot celebrity. It would be like laying claim to have had a sexual encounter with Charlie Chaplin.
Not his exhumed corpse of course – that would be disgusting.
RAcaseal – PHANTASY STAR ONLINE
Some say ‘familiarity breeds contempt’. Others say it makes ‘the heart grow fonder’. For me back in 2003 I enjoyed some 300 hours in the company of my RAcaseal in Phantasy Star Online. She was my alt, but deep down she was always my favourite.
This story is kinda tragic, so make sure you have a box of tissues to hand…
NO! Not like that! Oh for goodnessake, what is wrong with you people!
I’m serious here.
One tragic afternoon, while I was in ASDA, my house was burgled (idiot flat mate left the kitchen window open) and some bastard stole my entire games collection and three consoles. Including my memory card with my precious FOmar and RAcaseal on.
To make matters worse, the burglar left behind the box for Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg – what a shitbag.
I was absolutely devastated. All that time spent together – gone, for nothing, never to be returned. Words can not describe how absolutely gutted I was at the loss, being wrenched from what had been a significant emotional investment.
Nothing funny about this story. I can’t even bring myself to indicate the manner in which a potential sexual encounter would take place. I’d just be happy to have her back… ;____;
EDI – MASS EFFECT 3
Charisma-free automaton with a visor that looks like she should be at the tables in Vegas. I like the fact that she has a smooth finish and is relatively free of nooks and crannies.
Have you ever dropped a jam sandwitch on your keyboard? Jammy side down? No? Let me tell you friends – It. Is. Fucking. Carnage. Unlike my irritatingly sticky ‘V’ ‘N’ and SpaceBar, I’ve no doubt she’ll clean up wonderfully when you buff her vigorously with a tea towel.
Still, for every upside, there’s a potential downside. That smoky metallic finish? She’ll be a devil to track down in a nightclub. One minute you’re ordering drinks at the bar, or quickly head to the toilet – the next minute you turn around and can’t see her for shit with all the lasers and strobes and whatnot. Believe me this happens all the time with real human ladies – not sure I want to make the situation even harder for myself.
CHIBI ROBO – CHIBI ROBO
Yeah, that’s right – I would TOTALLY have sex with Chibi Robo.
You know, guys, girls – it’s not always about how ripped a bot is, how tight his socket, or how long his extension cable – sometimes its about whether or not, deep down, in his nuts (steady!) and bolts, he’s a nice robot. The kind of Robot you could take home to meet your family. The kind of Robot who isn’t going to laser your face off just for putting your last bagel in another man’s toaster.
Chibi is kind, he’s good with kids, and is a real whiz around the house – I’d say he’s perfect marriage material. I don’t think he’s the kind of bot that’ll let you give him a full recharge on the first date, but you know… sometimes you just gotta take things a little steady.
GLaDOS – PORTAL
Have I ever told you the story of how my mum promised me she’d give me THREE digestive biscuits if I ate my fish fingers, Spongebob spaghetti and chunky McCain homefries? No? Well, turns out even though I DID finish all of my dinner, there were actually only two digestives left in the biscuit tin.
And one of those was broken in half.
You could say this was just an ‘unfortunate incident’ – but I later heard her laughing with my Dad about how she’d been planning the deception all afternoon. Turns out the extra biscuit was a complete fabrication.
I went to office the following morning absolutely furious.
So yeah, why would I have sex with GLaDOS? Well, the constant sarcasm? The disjointed lilt of her alluring – but also terrifying voice? The threats to have me deconstructed in ‘amusing’ ways?
Sounds just like my mother.
This sounds like some creepy admission that I want to have sex with my mum. I don’t really – not consciously – but Freud says I have to. I’m guessing he was probably clever than me, so I think that’s a perfectly valid reason for everything I’ve just typed here.
NU13 / MU12 – BLAZBLUE
And I guess you may as well put Noel Vermillion in there too seeing as, well, she’s in this picture. Actually, this picture is basically the reason this entry is here as I feel a little bit guilty about the fact that this article is all about sexy robots and, somehow, I’ve managed to make the whole thing completely un-sexy.
In fact, you could say this article is a total bloody shambles – but, well, I guess it’s too late now – I’ve written 1500 words and I’m damned if I’m going to stop now.
I don’t know if you could technically call Noel, Mu and Nu ‘robots’. They’re more like clones really. I guess you could argue that they’re artificial constructs of some kind – but that would be a really dull thing to do, and that would defeat the whole purpose of this article.
WADSWORTH – FALLOUT 3
I recently asked a close personal friend of mine – ‘what is it that girls like about an older gentleman, the Sean Connery type?’ I expected her to say, the ‘self-assured confidence’ – the fact that they know their way around a lady. And also how to treat a lady. And also because they know that ‘going out for dinner’ doesn’t mean the chicken Wing Roulette from Nando’s – and a bag of Haribo from my local Laser Quest.
She didn’t say any of that – instead she pointed out that they tend to drive nice cars, have a nice house and plenty of money. Also, they’re usually married and so this helps with her fear of commitment – and that she seems to be attracted to guys who erode her self esteem, but doesn’t know how to break the cycle of misery and pain.
She then cried quite a bit and drunkenly apologised for having put me firmly in the friend zone back when we were 16, and I said it was okay, because really, it is okay. I don’t need to put up with the kinda baggage she’s carrying on a daily basis.
So, seeing as I’m none the wiser from that consultation – I guess it’s up to me. What attracts me to the older man-bot?! Culture, my friends!
If I was going to have sex with a man. Er, I mean a robot man. That’s kinda getting on in years, he better have spent his time reading a lot of books, making him a witty and engaging raconteur.
He also needs to be able to tell a good joke, give me a decent haircut and advise on tasteful home furnishings when the apocalypse comes knocking. In this respect, Fallout 3’s Wadsworth, with his posh voice and three arms seems like the ‘perfect’ love companion.
AIGIS – PERSONA 3 / PERSONA 4 ARENA
On a final, and more serious note. I totally love Aigis. Or is it just that I’m in love with all of Soejima’s female creations? I don’t know.
But ever since the early days of watching her emotions form, her sneaking into the Protagonists bedroom – I’ve always had a soft spot for her.
I’d treat her to a romantic meal, a walk under the moonlight – all the while crossing my fingers she doesn’t go into Orgia mode, rendering her completely immobile and making for a wholly disappointing end to the evening.
I hear some people are into that. I’m not one of those people.
As a fun fact, did you know her fingers are modeled on the German Luger 08 pistol? Coincidentally I sleep with one under my pillow, which I’ll probably turn on myself one lonely evening, when the shame of everything I’ve just written, finally hits me.
**ILJG is genuinely relieved that this article is over**
ILJG runs the I Love Japanese Games Facebook Page.
His views are not those held by Rice Digital or it’s partners.
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