Top ten stupid things that gamers do

Because what the internet really needs right now is another list based article. I would say ‘listicle’, but every time I think that, I conjour up an image of another man’s testicles in my mind’s eye and I really don’t need that right now. Only, I’ve already done it – which is precisely what I didn’t want to happen. Shall we start this again? Oh, shit… I’ve run out of intro space. Okay, here we go  – top ten stupid things gamers do


And if they say they don’t, they’re obviously some kind of disgusting liar


Sniff the box.




New game? Smell it! Sniff it good!


New console? Bury your face in that box and drink in the olfactory hit like a junkie in a crack den.








Save your game. And then save again. Just in case.




Phew! a save point. Better save now.


Actually… did I really just save that? I better save it again. Just in case.




Now that I think about it,  did I leave the oven on as well?


What about my front door? Is that locked?


I’m pretty sure I did the old ‘wiggle-the-door-lock-to-make-sure’ manoeuvre to double check it was locked, but now that I think about it, I’m not so sure.




I better save again. Just in case.




Never rename Link.




You don’t rename Link. Ever.


It’s a scientific fact that people who rename Link are genetically closer to baboons than real human beings.


One of my school friends changed Link’s name to his actual name -‘Simon’ – once. We’re not in touch any more, last I heard he was working in Pensions Administration – until his line manager caught him massaging his own feces into the Dyson airblade in the ladies toilets.




Rub a disc on your belly.




The successor to blowing on the cartridge.


I once knew someone who bought one of those ‘Disc Doctor’ things with the special spray and the cleaning device with a handle. He ‘fixed’ my copy of Rogue Galaxy so well that the surface of the disc resembled a fucking snowstorm. Later that same week, I waited until it was dark and ‘polished’ his car with a bucket of sand and a handful of Wire Wool. It was either that or beating him to death with a stick.




Press X or A so enthusiastically that you inevitably recycle back to the thing you wanted to skip past.

Psychiatrist sitting writing with patient on couch


Would you like to hear the story again?


How about we go though that tutorial on moving and jumping and crawling again – just in case you didn’t get it the third time?


Scientific studies show that when you accidentally do this twice in a row, you are more  likely to murder your entire family than at any other time.




Be an asshole.


Threaten the physical well being of people who dare suggest that some games might be a little on the sexist side.


Oh yeah, and think that anyone who plays casual games are somehow beneath us – because we’re REAL gamers and those Candy Crush bitches are worth the same amount of shit as those corrupt ‘journalists’ who’d sooner MOLEST A CHILD than give that joyless space-grind Destiny the 3/10 that it so obviously deserves.


*sound of heavy breathing… through the mouth*


Fuck all of you – ALL OF YOU!


Mum? Have you cooked my dinner yet?




Are you listening to me?




Seriously, where IS SHE?


I ran out of Doritos THREE HOURS AGO-


…oh, it’s 2am already?


Oh god, I just feel so alone…


*browses sister’s ‘Holiday with the Girls, Majorca, 2013’ album on facebook*






Moving the controller around with your entire body

moving-the-controller-like-a-dick copy



Ugh. Why did I even start this one. Lets face it – the only people who really do this are:

a) your mum

b) people who pose for image gallery photos to convery just how much FUN! videogames are (see above).

c) people in Kinect adverts – because they ARE the controller.


*wishes someone could inject me with something that will just end it all now*


Lets move on.




Make food. Don’t eat it.




Oh god, I’m so hungry – I’ve been hungry for the last four hours. I gotta cook something…


*makes food*


ooh, a cutscene!


*food sits there getting cold – uneaten for the next two hours*


This food tastes like shit.


I’m so hungry.





Losing all perspective on life after losing a save file over with over 1oo hours of play.




Whether it’s an MMO, a mobile game, a JRPG – whatever – the horrible, agonising feeling of loss, the sensation that there’s a giant HOLE in your actual body is sometimes too much to bare. I’ve lost family members and pets who’s death have had less of an emotional impact on me, than that time I lost my phone and with it a year’s worth of play on Valkyrie Crusade.


Shortly after the horrible sensation of loss, comes the even worse realisation that you’ve placed too much value on something that, in the grand scheme of things, doesn’t really matter at all…




‘Hum’, ‘whistle, ‘sing’ or otherwise ‘click’ the victory theme from the JRPG you’re currently playing, while engaged in coitus with your loved one.




HA! Because… hehehe, we all do that right?!


*clears throat*


This is a thing that WE DO?! right?!






We’ve all been there?!


Heh… ?







If , like me, you like to chase people down in the street, rip off their clothes and expose them to sunlight so they burn to death – then you may enjoy Akiba’s Trip: Undead and Undressed. It’s really rather good. Rice Digital have it in store from just £27.99, which, I’m reliably informed, is the cheapest you can get it at the moment.



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