Videogame characters I would TOTALLY eat

That’s right EAT. Videogame characters I would totally eat . Just like Chie, I live for MEAT. I don’t just ‘Fsteak’. I Fburger, Fsausage, Fchicken fillet and Fpork chop. Some people might ask, ‘but what about the potentially inhumane way they are butchered?’ and to those people I’d say, ‘It’s only Tails for goodnessake – like anyone cares!’

 

As I am heard to say every time I sit down for Sunday Roast at Grandmas – ‘buckle up meat fans – I’m going in!

 

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SLIME KETCHUP

 

WARNING!
A HISTORY LESSON APPROACHES!
NO REFUGE!

 

During the infamous Tomato Famine of 1869, farmers would collect the baby slimes from the surrounding countryside and force them through a sieve using large pebbles.

 

The collected juice was useful for lubricating the wheels of farm equipment and also proved tasty on barbequed meats and fish.

 

Legend has it that by adding a ground chimera wing and magic water into the mix, it can be used to restore sexual vigour… *cough*

 

Er, or so we understand.

 

roast-chocobo

 

ROAST CHOCOBO
You can ride them!
You can race them!
You can breed them!
And, after a hard day swinging a gunblade, you should be able to EAT them too.

 

Don’t forget to eat your Gaysahl Greens now!

 

pikmin pie

 

PIKMIN PIE
Or;

 

“what Olimar did next – after he used these poor vegetable slaves to rebuild his ship to get him home.”

Let’s hope there aren’t any white ones in that pie.

 

Those dudes are kinda… creepy.

 

pikachu-burger

 

PIKA BURGER
Pika, pika, pike, pika, PIKA PIKA PIKA PIIIKA PIKAAAAAA-

 

**tchk tchk – BLAM BLAM**

CHOP CHOP CHOP – Tsssssss

 

*Sizzle Sizzle*

 

Ch-pat

 

*nom nom*

 

“Hmmm, that IS a tasty burger!”

 

kirby-floss

 

KIRBY FLOSS

 

Kids love Candy Floss!

 

But would they love it so much is those beady eyes were staring out at them?


Threatening to suck them whole, and poop them out on to the fairground floor? Stealing their abilities before cheaply spamming their irritating Smash Bros stompage on their frightened little faces – over and over and over?

 

We think not. WE THINK NOT!

 

hype-dog-chow-mein

 

 

HYPEDOG CHOW MEIN

 

“Hey, sweetcakes, I don’t think much of this new Chinese Takeaway down the road”

 

“Why’s that honey?”

 

“This meat, it’s kinda… TOUGH… kinda… STRINGY…

 

…and, what the hell is THIS? Is this… HAIR in my take out?

 

JESUS?! Look at that – it’s a… oh MY GOD, it’s a PAW?!

 

What the hell did you order for me?!”

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

*award yourself kudos for knowing what game this is from. 😉

 

tails-the-fox-soup

 

FOX-TAIL SOUP
We’ve noticed that there’s an unusual amount of ‘love’ for the Tails the Fox round these parts.

 

In keeping with this spirit we decided to do the most honest and decent thing we could think of – and that’s to rain down hate on the whiny orange douchebag.


Nobody wants to hear you talk, Tails. NOBODY.

 

As my grandmother says – “If you smash their faces into a creamy, tasty pulp with a steak hammer – you’ll never have to listen to their horrible screechy voices ever again!”

 

She’s a wise old lady, is Grandma.

 

epona-steak

 

EPONA STEAK
Oh my god! What would Malon say?!

 

“That’ll be £34.99 – please, and don’t forget to leave a tip!”

That’s what she’d say.

 

She’s been running this sordid little side show all this time.

 

Hell, Link and Zelda have been coming here for years, watching Epona after Epona trot though the slaughter house doors, just so they can tuck into that tasty, tasty meat.

 

Horses across Hyrule shudder at the dulcet tones of Epona’s song. Shudder… in FEAR!

 

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