Waifu Wednesday: Bayonetta (Bayonetta)

Waifu Wednesday

If a group of scientists spent a lifetime in a lab creating my perfect waifu, she would look and act a lot like Bayonetta. Ridiculously tall, over-the-top beautiful, and capable of murdering me in a hundred ways. She is practically perfect and will be the first person to tell you so.

There is never a bad time to celebrate the bewitching powerhouse that is Bayonetta, so this week we’re going to give her the attention that she deserves in our Waifu Wednesday feature. Buckle up, because things are about to get very sexy.

Who is Bayonetta?

Bayonetta

Bayonetta’s backstory is a swirling mass of time-travel and leather bodysuits, most of which don’t make sense to even the most studious of fans. The important things to note are that she is a witch who wields guns in her hands and on her feet, locks enemies in iron maidens, and summons demons from the depths of Hell using her hair. Every moment she is on the screen is a chaotic orgy of over-the-top style that somehow manages to be tastefully done.

This is usually the part of these features where I talk about how there is an element of sweetness hiding just beneath the surface of Bayonetta, but that isn’t the case here. She is 100% Certified Bad Bitch from start to finish. She’ll save the world, but usually because someone got in her way rather than out of the goodness in her heart. Still, she is someone you’d rather have on your side than against you.

Why we love her

Bayonetta

When I say that a team of scientists spent years genetically engineering Bayonetta to be the perfect waifu, I’m only partially joking. Lead character designer Mari Shimazaki and series director Hideki Kamiya worked together for a year to perfect her design. She is strong and powerful and overwhelmingly feminine, feeling naturally and effortlessly in control no matter what weirdness the game throws at her. She’ll fight angels, demons, and even the very fabric of reality without blinking an eye. Her instinct is to throw a sarcastic quip into the face of every problem she comes across, and I have nothing but respect for that.

Bayonetta’s sexuality is never stated outright or even really explored in the game. Even though Kamiya has said one of the series’ themes is “sexiness” there isn’t actually any sex in the series. The heroine exudes and defines sex appeal through her confidence and the way she carries herself rather than as a result of any overt act. Bayonetta doesn’t care if demon-summoning dominatrixes in librarian glasses are your fetish because she has important things to do. The powerful “step on me” energy that she exudes feels more like it is meant to make you question things about yourself rather than have anything to do with her.

Why you’ll love her

Bayonetta 3 screenshot

There is very little reason not to love Bayonetta. She was made to sell us all on the idea that sexiness doesn’t need to be exploitative and to remind us that wild action and chaos are not just the purview of male protagonists. She was literally created to be the perfect waifu and manages to deliver on that promise without feeling one-dimensional. Bayonetta embodies every stereotype of a female video game character while simultaneously breaking them.

Bayonetta’s games are both available on the Switch, with the first one getting a physical release at the end of September in the run-up to the long-delayed third game’s release in October, so you have plenty of time to get caught up. Embrace our sexy witch overlord before it is too late.

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