Nintendo make remarkable new discoveries in technology.
In what many are believing to be the most significant discovery of our time , Nintendo have discovered ‘a hidden world of global communication’ which it has, this morning, named ‘The Ninternet’ – a means by which people, all over the world, can communicate via ‘computers’, ‘phones’ or Nintendo’s very own videogame consoles.
“I just turned on my computer a week last Tuesday – and there it was!”exclaimed Nintendo President, Satoru Iwata in an interview that I’ve just this moment completely fabricated.
“We’re going to have to play around with the name, of course – it’s early days yet. I think this is really going to revolutionise the way that human beings, not only communicate with each other, but shop, work, play and experience explicit [hetero]sexual content.
Iwata and I are sitting in a hotel lobby, he’s clearly very excited and can’t stop [laughing]. He fixes me with a glare – and winks before pulling from his inside pocket a tiny hand held device. I immediately have flashbacks to the Gameboy Advance SP announcement (where Nintendo stunned the world with another Gameboy Advance) but this? This is a moment I will simply never forget.
“We’re calling it a ‘pocket telecommunication boy’ – you may know it as the ‘telephone’ – though today’s youth simply refer to it as the ‘phone’. However, you’ll notice that these ‘phones’ differ from the norm – would you believe that they [laughs] don’t even have buttons on them!”
Iwata’s eyes begin to water as the heady, intoxicating blend of mirth and discovery wreak havoc with his nervous system.
“What I could scarcely believe is that these button-less communication devices actually have The Ninternet already inside them! A living breathing , binary soup of digital treasures – just waiting to be plundered!”
He paused to ensure I was still following… I nodded, slightly and [coughed].
“Naturally, Miyamoto-san and I came to the exact same conclusion on how we could exploit this remarkable discovery…”
He looked sheepishly over his shoulder to make sure no one was listening – went to whisper and though better of it, instead choosing to write it down on a napkin, so as to better preserve the sanctitiy of this mind-blowing secret.
“That’s right!” he pointed to the napkin and mouthed “MARIO KART 8 stats – wherever, whenever you are”
I was so utterly speechless that all I could do was just sit there and stare – my mouth agape, tongue drying with every passing second.
Iwata broke the silence with his infection enthusiasm. “You know how some nights you simply can’t get ANY sleep because you’re unsure whether the average lap time for Choco Mountain is greater in Honduras than it is in Bangalore? Those days are well and truly over my friend. THEY’RE OVER!”
And with that, my excitable lobby companion punched the air so hard – that he created something akin to a sonic boom, the power of which brought a little piece of plaster down from the roof of the lobby, gently dusting the shoulders of his impeccably pressed suit.
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave” said the receptionist quietly into Iwata’s ear. A single, solitary tear rolled down his cheek, he dusted himself off with dignity, packed his banana back into his briefcase [laughed] and set out calmly though the revolving door.
IN OTHER NEWS: Nintendo announce new Mario Kart 8 app for phones. It looks like this! Exciting, no?
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