Pokémon Go is here, finally giving you a reason to get out of the house with the promise of delicious digital points. Surely nothing bad can come of shoving nerds into the real world, right? Right? WRONG. Pokémon Go will ruin your life, like it ruined mine. I understand that now, Rachel. Please come back to me.
1. You will cause a Burnout style car crash
It’s either going to be your own car you send bursting into glorious flames…
Pokemon go is straight gunna get me in a car crash lol pic.twitter.com/ulLRXEHrz4
— Jonathan (@jonnnycakess) July 8, 2016
Or you’ll end up causing a pile-up with your frequent Pokémon stops on the motorway. At least you’d hope to find a Magmar somewhere in the fires.
2. You’ve already lost your job
If you’re reading this at work it’s already too late for you. Clear out your desk, it’s time to go. 30 is the new 10, and it’s time to break free of society’s shackles and start your new life journeying to become a Pokémon Master.
3. People will break into your house and steal your Pokémon
Because he lives in what used to be an old church one man’s house has become an actual Pokémon Gym in Pokémon Go. This makes it a key location for Pokémon Go players to congregate around for bonuses. His complaints do not actually include anyone breaking into his house trying to steal Pokémon. Yet. If you live in a Pokémon Gym, you might want to step up security. Don’t go out into the garden without your trusty Charizard by your side.
These cats figured it out, the bench in the park across the street is close enough to be ‘in’ the gym. pic.twitter.com/HAlVp84cd6
— Boon Sheridan (@boonerang) July 9, 2016
4. Your child will be attacked by wild Pokémon
And if you die in the game you will die in real life. Or at least white out and wake up outside the local hospital with most of your pocket money gone. That’s one life lesson kids don’t need.
— nick mastodon (@nickmastodon) July 10, 2016
5. Your favourite restaurant is now infested with both Rattata and Nerds
Not only will your food be tainted by virtual animals, but now you’ll also have nerds backseat eating over your shoulder, ready to throw their phones at your McNuggs at a moments notice. Don’t get me started on the looks you’ll get trying to enjoying a nice bit of Slowpoke tail either.
6. That van might not actually take you back to Kanto
While it is true that you can now replicate the wonderful nostalgic train journey that connected the Johto and Kanto regions in Pokémon Gold/Silver/Crystal with just a simple real life train journey, not everyone out there is as friendly as the NPC characters in the actual Pokémon games. Play safe, friends.