Dirty games characters I don’t like, because they’re unhygienic

It may come as a surprise to some of you that, while I am, certifiably, a disgusting pervert I am in fact rather fastidious in nature. I like things to be clean. Tidy. Not in an OCD-wash-my-hands-till-my-skin-falls-off kind of way, rather, when my friends/potential love interests come to my house, I don’t want them to find me living in a disgusting hovel.


When my mother decided to name me ‘I Love Japanese Games’ – for that is my given name – it wasn’t because she was some sick weeaboo with a penchant for the moe, it was because, frankly, Western videogame characters are disease-riddled slobs.


I’ve talked at some length before about how western devs seem to think think that making everything brown and filthy brings us one step closer to reality. As though making something dirty, somehow makes your game more gritty, real and therefore better. Personally, I don’t want to be entertained by wallowing in filth – I don’t want to control, or ‘be’ someone with dubious personal hygiene.


So! Dirty games characters I don’t like, because they’re unhygienic…  and some suitably cleaner alternatives. 😉


Leliana – Dragon Age



Leliana Blood Face


You might think you’re perfectly safe because your sex life is 100% super-protected. Anal, Vaginal, Oral – it’s all good because you’re ULTRA careful, well educated and consciencious about appropriate use of contraception. You’ve also made the wise decision not to inject heroin into your eyeballs with hyperdermic needles found around bus station toilets.


Only you’re not safe. You’re not safe when it comes to Liliana. Frankly, she doesn’t think twice about walking into her local tavern with the blood of a hundred men smeared all over her face. One minute you’ve got your hand in her packet of pork scratchings – the next, tears at your local health clinic because you’ve got Hepitis B and you’re terrified of the inevitable onset of liver damage.


If you like a lady-knight, then I’d suggest Forte from Rune Factory 4?


She likes salad and egg-based dishes, dislikes ghosts and curry. She also takes pride in her appearance – which is pretty much a guarantee of cleanliness. I bet she smells of natural and ecologically friendly soap products. Also, I have never seen her crush a man’s skull and allow the visceral spray to shoot up all over her face and chest like a fucking serial killer. 



Geralt – The Witcher




When he’s not witchering against…. er… witches and the like – Geralt likes to have sexual intercourse with an awful lot of ladies. I can’t vouch for the cleanliness of said ladies – aesthetically speaking, they always seem to have looked after their general appearance, so I’m assuming they will have at least bathed within a 24 hour period – something which can not be said for our ‘hero’. However, you can not underestimate the dangers of such brazen promiscuity – to so much as gaze upon this man’s penis is to open the flood gates to scabies, pubic lice, gonorrhea, syphilis and *gulp* trichomonas vaginalis.


To enhance the realism of the series, I suggest CD Projekt release DLC where Geralt’s nether-regions, so infected by disease, and irritated by the roughness of hemp and leather, must be soothed by the application of a cooling ointment in a circular motion every four hours.


*rotates left analogue stick*


If you like RPG men, why not try Noctis from Final Fantasy XV?


If Ronald McDonald and The Colonel had a food fight, smothered their naked bodies in caramel and coffee before fisting each other to death in the back of a car, you’d be somewhere close to what I had endure every time my ex-girlfriend gave me a lift home from University. No… wait – that came out wrong.


What I’m trying to say is, her car was a goddamned disgrace to humanity. You can tell an awful lot about someone from the state of their car – whether you should even entertain the thought of ‘coming in for a coffee’. It’s an observation I think you can also apply to a man’s hair –  if they’re beautifully coiffured on top, it’s a pretty safe bet they’ve taken care of things downstairs. On both counts, Noctis comes out as ‘a very nice young man, thank you very much.’



Drake – Uncharted series




If you google search for ‘sexiest men in videogames’ which I have been known to do from time to time – Drake and Snake pretty much come out on top, and I always think to myself…. why? I totally get the love for a manly man. Strong powerful arms, adept at banging a nail into walls without it going all bendy – and I imagine it’s reassuring to know that he’d be able to carry you from a burning building without his knees giving way. These are things that I understand. 


But I’d like to ask you this. Have you EVER seen this man wash his hands? Even once?


Dracunculiasis, some kind of parasite you have pull from your body with a matchstick. Dengue Fever, Schistosomiasis – another nasty little worm that will infect your penis if you hang around in jungle waters. Drake isn’t so much a man, more a walking petri dish of tropical diseases. There is nothing this man hasn’t been exposed to.  Where some people see ‘well traveled’ I see high risk.


Drake once quipped that he’s ‘going to need a shot after this’. No shit, Drake.


I don’t have a vagina, but if I did, I would not let this man within a hundred yards of it.



Link – Adventure and Hygiene together at last…


I guess this comparison is a bit unfair – because everything Nintendo makes is not only straight from the lab fresh, but this ultra-cleanliness has a mysterious, invisible coating which seems to repel dirt. Nintendo things don’t get dirty, and if they do – it’s clean dirt. 


Whether he’s rolling in JabuJabu’s bile and saliva, turning into a dog and digging around in filth, or being splattered by the the-eye juice of a skewered arachnid – Link always comes out squeaky clean. I’ve never seen him actually wash – but I’m okay with this. I mean, just look at his skin. Link is totally wipe clean.


Regardless of where he’s been, you could make him perfectly presentable with a single baby wipe – or maybe, at a push, a Detol anti-bacterial cleansing surface wipe which removes 90% or all allergens.


In the unlikely event that it was ever necessary – I would be totally cool with a rectal examination from this guy.




Mileena – Mortal Kombat




Let’s forget for one moment that she’s a morally dubious young lady, born through evil sorcery out of Shang Tsung’s ‘Flesh Pits’ and  focus on the most important bit – her utterly repugnant face. I’m guessing no one has told her that Gingivitis like that can lead to Perodontitis which, if left untreated, can actually decay your jaw bone and will inevitably result in dental abscesses (localised pustules brought on by bacterial infection) and ultimately tooth loss. As my Grandmother used to say – ‘Baby, I don’t care how big your boobs are – that is not a mouth I want near my body’.


I’m not a big fan of the western fantasy ideal of a ‘sexy’ woman. You know the kind of thing, amazonian goddesses, Valkyries, obscenely large-breasted women in child-sized leotards. Mileena’s vile brand of ‘sexy’ is one echelon below,  relevant only to guys in Iron Maiden T-Shirts, who’s preferred means of conversation are grunting and sniffing each other’s anuses.


It’s a pretty safe be Chun Li knows her way round a roll of dental floss…


As an adolescent, Chun Li and I had a perfectly healthy relationship, which revolved around judicious use of the pause button so I could be better acquainted with Miss Li’s underwear. This makes me perfectly qualified to make sweeping generalisations regarding her cleanliness.


Please also consider the following evidence;


1/ Chun Li is a member of Interpol, having already been trained in Law Enforcement in her home nation. I am confident that being a Law Enforcement cadet requires a certain level of rudimentary hygiene throughout training.


2/ She changes her costume a lot. It’s safe to assume that she’s not putting on clothes that have previously soiled without being put though the washing machine (or sent to Dry Cleaning if the garment required it).


3/ As with Noctis – her hair always looks nice. You don’t have nice hair if you’re a degenerate.




Norman Jayden – Heavy Rain




In other games you’re experiencing the dirty stuff a little more vicariously. In Heavy Rain you have to get involved in the second by second doing of the more unhygienic activities.


It starts off so well in the bright and breezy opening moments – in the bathroom, cleaning your teeth, shaving, generally grooming yourself. Your house is all nice and clean. You’re demonstrating how goddamned neat and tidy and organised you are by doing architecture stuff – and then WHAM! – the next thing you know you’re in the shoes of Norman Jayden, scrabbling around for three full minutes on a muddy bank like some kind of slimy filthotter. You can practically taste the E. coli and swine feces.


This guy even has a pair of glasses that lets him see the dirty things – and then he just goes around putting his fingers in the stuff on purpose. By the time I got to playing Madison and had to cup another man’s testicles (without so much as a latex glove between me and a skin infection) I’d hermetically sealed both game (and accompanying origami bird) and had NASA fire them into the sun.


Like a man in an overly complicated QTE sequence on a quest for revenge – why not try Ryo Hazuki!


Good all-round clean-cut Japanese boy. When he comes round your house for dinner he’d say his ‘Please and Thank Yous’ to your mum, and when asked any questions he’d give a totally non-threatening ‘um’, ‘er…’ or ‘ah’ in order to come across as being nice and humble and not an overly confident jackass. He’s not going to sleep around either, because despite ladies falling over themselves to get his attention, he’s too busy on a Quest For Revenge to start having sex with people, thank you very much.


Also, if someone killed a family member of yours he’d be so devoted the cause of justice that he’d wear the same jeans and T-Shirt every day for MONTHS without even changing his underwear becau- waaaaaaait a minute…


Oh Ryo, why have you forsaken me… 🙁


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